Saturday, January 19, 2008

Damn Data Leak

10:38 AM me: Omg
I have to shit for the 3rd fucking time
Brb
10:39 AM Actually taking you with
Lol
John: lol
Dude what is wrong with your ass
10:40 AM me: I don't honestly know
The worst part is
My ass is goint to get chapped I bet from wiping with all this crappy toilet paper
10:41 AM God forbid they hook us up with some charmin ultra
10:42 AM I really hope my body wasn't hurt so badly that it is just now cleaning house
I gotta change some health portions of my life
10:43 AM Beginning with beer I think
And smoking
10:47 AM John: Beer is ok in moderation
Smoking may cause the shits
add coffee and the gates will be wide open
10:52 AM me: Coffee isn't going anywhere for me
John: Coffee and Tobacco stimulate the anus
me: I'd rather give up beer and smoking rofl
John: lol
me: So does my wife's strap-on
John: Thats hot
me: Oops
Data leak

Oooops

5:24 PM me: My throat is sore
I should cut back on the dick sucking
Oops
Wrong window
5:25 PM John: nice
I can't imagine what window that should go in
me: Diff "friend"
Lol
5:26 PM John: yeah
I like the quotes
ok, I am outtie
me: Lol
John: later
me: Piece

Women... Nuff Said

6:07 PM John: home
me: Lol
Still picking up din idn
John: wuts for din din
me: Taco hell for her, jitb for me
John: Nice
6:08 PM I will make dinner at 8:00 your time when the women gets home
me: Women??
Bastard!
John: lol
I turned to islam
asked to get my 50 virgins early
6:09 PM me: Lol
Good call

My Concern Really Is Genuine

7:45 PM John: sup homes
7:46 PM me: Hey hey
John: how u feeling
any better
me: Pooped again
*sigh*
John: lol
me: Working on laptop again
7:47 PM John: stil broke?
Tasha better?
me: For most part
She's sitting on couch
John: right on
7:48 PM I gotsta mah woman gettin meh dinna
7:49 PM OMFG
7:53 PM BTW, if you see on the news Liza was killed.....I did it
iTunes is fucked
me: Always has been
John: no, my itunes is fucked
she plugged into my external and loaded 1000 of her songs
7:54 PM My library went to 4500 and I was like WTF
me: Roflmao
John: its not funny
this is bS
me: Delete them
John: I am
7:55 PM but they are not together cause itunes won't list when loaded
so I have to go down the list
7:56 PM oh and all my Elvis is gone
7:57 PM ok, go back to laptop work
7:58 PM me: Kk

Tips For Proper Airplane Ettiquette

2:56 PM me: Fuckiung douche gate boarder
They board first class
Then families
John: what]\
me: Never call iut courtesy for elite
John: oh. United is 50/50 on calling premier
2:57 PM me: Then
THEN
I get up there once he calls 25 and higher
I'm 22
2:58 PM John: lol
me: I walk up anyways
He says "oh you're elite you can board at any time
Me: well I didn't hear a courtesay boarding call so I wasn't sure.
3:00 PM 3+ hour flight in the middle
This is gonna suck
Lots of cuties
John: lol
you got the bitch seat
how?
me: Nothing else open
:(
3:01 PM John: ROFL
me: All middle seat
When I booked
John: Hope you don't get 2 fat chicks on either side
me: So I book towards back of plan to avoid not having a spot up top for 360 by my seat
John: smart
me: Got a guy to my left
3:02 PM John: Is he cute
Is he brown?
Can he see this?
me: Stfu
Dick
John: lol
rofl
me: I closed convo window
Bitch
John: lol
me: Don't make me signb out
John: awesome
3:03 PM Its from swingers
me: Hehe
3:04 PM John: The guy trying to peak at your BB
I hate when people do that
Its like
"GET YOUR OWN FUCKING BB DOUCHE"

5 minutes
3:10 PM me: Lol
No he hasn't tried
John: The cabin door still open
WTF are they doing
3:11 PM me: Still boarding
John: good god
me: Aye
3:12 PM John: Atleast you get drink service
me: This is an interesting boarding
John: Oh yea
how?
3:13 PM me: Bah
Closing cabin door
Time to call tasha
John: k
tell her hi for me
3:14 PM me: Kk
Closing cabin door
3:15 PM John: safe flight
me: Talk at ya later homey
Tks
Hopefully
Got a big guy to my right
:( :( :(
John: rofl
touch yourself

Yes, We Are Professional

John: The examiner just wrote me back
2:30 PM All he put was, "Very professional"
me: lol
he must not be happy
i take it the guy died?
John: yup, it was a fatal
me: ouch
2:31 PM John: I stated the fact
me: and you wrote that?
good lord john
hahaqhahahhaha
John: what
it is in a email and it is the truth
it was a sooner than expected landing
in the dirt
me: hahahaha
2:32 PM John: The narrative is all professional and shit
me: oi vey that shit is funny
John: I am getting to the point of calling people stupid in the reports
ok, don't walk off with anyone. I will be right back

Score 1 for Baltimore

2:27 PM me: Suspect in Gruesome Sex Assault Mistakenly Set Free
John: Uncle henry is out
me: Ronald Lee Moore, 40, walked out of the Baltimore City Correctional Center last month after doing time for assault and burglary. What corrections officials did not know was that Moore was to remain jailed after being linked through DNA to the separate sexual assault case, the Sun reported. Corrections officials did not become aware of the mistake until Friday. Click here for the Baltimore Sun report. <http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/annearundel/bal-te.ar.escape20dec20,0,3454115.story?coll=bal_tab01_layout> On Oct. 23, 1999, a masked man forced his way into an apartment and told the woman living there that he would kill her baby if she made any noise. He then forced her to perform a sex act, shocked her with a cattle prod and punched her "numerous times" in the head before fleeing, according to records obtained by the Sun.
John: better tell Grandma better
me: lol
2:28 PM John: Betty
me: dude
i don't know why
but that reads funn
shocked her with a cattle prod and punched her in the head
John: lol
me: i mean come on
John: I do that to liza occasionally
me: haven't these journalists ever heard of a donkey punch?
John: lol
2:29 PM Shocked her with a cattle prod then donkey punched her
me: yea
John: sounds better

HAHAHAHA I can't even come up with anything clever for this one. It speaks for itself...

5:28 PMme: Brit had her visitational rights suspended
5:31 PM John: lol
me: She's a nutjob
5:33 PM John: yup
I wish someone good would get into her life
5:34 PM me: Lol
John: Seriously
she is surrounded by retards
me: My dick would
5:35 PM John: Her mom, sister, dad, pavorotties (or whatever her dick husband said)
5:36 PM all bad people
me: My dick is a good person
John: she needs someone like ryan secrest to say "Hey...cut the shit"
5:37 PM me: And it would love to meet up with her vagina personality
And you know that vagina has a cool personality
John: have you seen it
nasty
me: Ryan seacrest is ghey he has no urge for her
I'd hit it
John: would rather eat out at LiLo's box then britneys
5:38 PM me: 12 ways from sunday too
LiLo?
John: Lindsey Lohan
me: I didn't say I wanted to eat her out
John: She changed her name a while ago
5:39 PM me: I would stick my soldier in it tho and let him fight the trenches
She's retarded too
John: lol
me: Chugging champagne fresh outta rehab
5:40 PM Seriously
I'd help them both back to a decent lifestyle if they were laying me
To live the rich lifestyle for a while. Screw someoine with money
5:41 PM John: lol
I would do paris
me: Then once they felt they were better part ways
John: chick takes it in the ass for coke
So I would tell her I have a big case of coke in my car
me: Hell if brit and lilo were up for it I'd help them both at the same time
Polygamist style
John: bang the bootie then bring in a case of coca cola
me: Werd
5:42 PM My issue with paris is I would be waaaay too inclined to donkey punch her
5:43 PM Seriously
I'm not even kidding I'd punch her in the back of the head and giggle
John: 50 achivements points "Fabrication Sodomy"
me too
5:44 PM me: Then shed sue me
John: I think it would make a great video
me: And my whole "helping the rich" plan would go down the drain
John: Donkey Punching while in Paris
me: Lol
John: its a double entendre
5:45 PM me: I wonder what's on the agenda for tonight
Maybe I'll start my perfect pushups
5:49 PM John: lol
I am going to try and donkey punch liza
you just made it sound worth doing
me: Lol
John: Now question...do you have to be having sex or can I just punch her in the back of the skull while she is cooking?
5:50 PM Then tell the cops it was sexual role play gone wrong
me: Guess no more flower girl
John: why
me: Lol
Sex
John: I don't rat out friends by telling my wife things they said
me: Hahahaha
5:51 PM I'm talking bout you donkey punching her
Phag
John: you said no more flower girl
me: Please hold while I direct your conversation to David please.......
Yea as in the wedding would be off
John: So I figured you meant after I punch liza she won't let you be in the wedding because she would be pissed at you
oh no
5:52 PM she better take the donkey punch
It can only lead to death
me: Lol
Prenub
John: What girls want to be punched in the head
5:53 PM me: Ones that I'd like to meet
Something new at least
5:54 PM John: I dated a girl that liked to be slapped (not hard mind you) but never punched
It was strange
she was a bible girl
me: Always r
5:55 PM John: Imagine having a chick say hit me during sex
made me feel bad
5:56 PM me: Y
John: It was creepy
I don't like hitting girls
unless they are fat and man like
then its fun
slap take that fatty
me: I'd try it
John: ok
5:57 PM try it with tash and let me know how it works
me: With a girl who likes it I would dumbass
John: lol
you never know
5:58 PM plus I would love to hear about tasha chasing you around after you slapped her during sex
me: Don't want to find out the wrong way crazy cracker
Notks
John: It would be like that black chick
she just says "Oh no you diiieeent"
5:59 PM You run screaming "I'm sorry" and she yells back "Get back here"
now thats comedy
6:02 PM me: Lol

Can't a Man Poop In Peace??

4:33 PM me: fuckin dave
i was all comfy taking a dump
and he said he needed to talk to me downstairs
John: yeah fuck dave
me: fucker wanted to bum a smoke
i rushed for nothing
John: That is why I have renamed him Burt
me: *sighs*
4:34 PM there
John: there you go
He is Burt
You finish your crap?
me: yea
4:35 PM but i wanted to take my time
4:39 PM John: lol
Liza has started to ambush my shit
4:40 PM and its pissing me off
me: huh?
whatchya mean?
John: I will sit down for a nice long one. Got my gameboy or magazine ready. I will just be about to start and she will come to the door and start talking
4:41 PM Or worse she will open the door and then I am done
I have a shy butt
And she knows this
me: lock the door
4:43 PM John: doesn't matter
she will bang on the door
me: stay quiet
John: I think I will start hitting her
me: lol
tell her to gtfa

6 minutes
4:49 PM John: lol
she does it when I am "mean" to her
4:50 PM me: oh god
John: I think I will just take her to an orphanage and tell them she is 12 and I can't take it anymore
me: i'd stand up and shit on the floor and be like "clean that up and leave me alone next time!"
John: lol
I always wanted to shit on someones floor
4:53 PM me: like on alpha dog?
John: no cooler
4:56 PM like
swing from a chandelier(sp) and shit on some rich chicks marble floor

Friday, January 18, 2008

Lil Jimmy & the female sense of humor

6:55 AM Todd: sup sup sup
me: SSDD
Todd: word
psst
i have a secret
I'VE GOT THE SHITS
me: Monster Rain
6:56 AM oh....
Todd: you getting the rain from that cold front?
me: So you liked little jimmy norton huh?
Todd: da;llas is getting beat the fuck up right now
yeah
me: lol
Its sunny and pretty
Todd: i was laughing so hard i tinkled
just a little bit
me: I love little jimmy
His book is good, has more of the adult humor in it
6:57 AM You know, hookers, shitting on hookers, hookers shitting on you, hookers in Rio, etc, etc
I am really glad he introduced O&A
6:58 AM I love Jimmy's "Ta Hee Hee" that he does
7:00 AM Todd: lol
yea
7:01 AM i thought they intro'd him?
oooooh
you mean when he intro'd them in the audience
me: yup
O&A are rich MF'rs
7:02 AM Todd: i don't doubt it
i tried explaining the wake up stories to tasha
she didn't find them amusing :(\
me: lol
rofl
Gel'in
Todd: even offered to do the penis slappi9ng against her forehead to see what she thought
me: I loved that bit
lol
Todd: she told me don't fall asleep before her anymore
=S
7:03 AM me: I told liza about wed mornin wake up
she didn't find it amusing either
so I told her I will do it to her just so she gets a better understanding
7:04 AM She gave me one of her "Honey" comments
Todd: oh you mean the "Honey i'm going to knife you and dump your body in my parents' land where no one will find you" comments?
pretty much same as tasha

12 minutes
7:16 AM me: Hers is almost like a shut up if you like your testicles not to be twisted
7:17 AM Todd: yea
tasha give titty twisters
me: lol

Things to do in Cali

12:36 PM Todd: whatchya eatin?
12:37 PM me: Subway eat fresh
Todd: ahh
i'm eatin a royale with cheeze
12:38 PM me: nice
Had one of em on Friday
12:40 PM Todd: all set for california
me: nice
taking your 360?
Todd: got my tv tuner card for my laptop in case the televisions are shitty
yep
me: game night still on?
Todd: should be
12:41 PM depends on how late i'm out trail riding wednesday
for once i'll be an hour later than you
me: lol
Todd: i'll be available tuesday and thursday fer sure unless shit happens
me: trail riding...is that code for ghey activities
12:42 PM Todd: nope more like code for "OMG SLOW THE FUCK DOWN I DON'T WANT TO GET AIRBORN AGAIN IN YOUR 03 TOYOTA AND FLY TO MY DEATH DOWN THIS MOUNTAIN DUDE!!!"
12:45 PM me: lol
Southern Cali has wuss mountains
12:46 PM Come to Colorado home of the 14's
Todd: going to be around duarte, anaheim, and escondido
12:47 PM me: nice
great places to be shot
Todd: WORD DAWG
speshally wif mah tree seex searo
dawg
raises da roof
brb tinkle and smoke brk
12:49 PM me: lol
12:51 PM Don't forget you could always head down to venice and catch a STD

Dreaded BBL

me: Wut up my Caucasian American Brotha from anotha motha
Todd: hey bbl
me: Oh WTF

Car maintenance etiquette

odd: Kk
3:40 PM That was over phone that convo
He puts these rules in place only to circumvent them later which usually results in damage control later
3:43 PM They better be glad I have 1300 shares waiting to vest
3:44 PM me: lol
sell sell sell
Todd: Cant
I'm locked in for 10 years for all to vest
Wait
5 years from now
me: buy high, sell low, board room jimmy says Sell Sell Sell!!!
3:45 PM Todd: Lol
me: I love Jim Norton as Board Room Jimmy
My assistant put your dog on my window sill again
3:46 PM There are nose prints all over my windos
windows
Todd: My dog?
3:47 PM Lol
me: her dog
sorry was also reading a documen
Todd: Lol got it
3:48 PM Uh oh
3:49 PM Someone got shot at the auto repair
me: you almost crap yourself too
so
Todd: Or a mechanic got his wang caught in the fan belt
3:50 PM I think you. Misunderstood my sarcastic uh oh for genuine sympathy
Don't do it again
me: lol
wang
that lol
thats funny
3:51 PM Why would your dick be out when working on a car
damn perverts
3:53 PM Todd: Better then to have your wang out while someone else is working on your car